12.29.11
Posted in Just Me at 9:34 PM by Ann Hornbeck
The month of January brings reflection and joy, sadness and pause, and memories galore as my family toasts my mother’s life. Where is she now? I believe she is right here. My mind’s eye reflects her. Her “mousy brown hair” as she always called it, more gray than white at the end of her life, but for me, forever brown. Her body youthful and lanky, 0% fat, long legs and arms, steady on her feet, shoulders squared, and hazel eyes that knew much, much more than she revealed. Oh, they twinkled with joy, were piercing when angered, and wise beyond her years always.
No crossword puzzle could conquer her, nor could Sudoku or anagrams or whatever puzzle was placed before her. Her mind fierce and focused, forgiving and thoughtful, all at once. Not a moment of time for patience! If she said do it, you did it, no questions asked and no time to hesitate. To this day, I find myself making my bed when the sheets are still warm, the couch pillows fluffed and everything in its place before walking out the door. Everything must be put away where it belongs, no dilly-dallying, get to it and do it now! The funny thing was, she never yelled, she never shouted, she never spanked or hit, but that intense stare was enough to make anyone hope for cover.
I see my mother everywhere. I see her sitting in the sun at Nags Head, working on a crossword puzzle, her young body slippery with suntan lotion, her long legs brown and sprinkled with white sand reflecting the sun as her pen moves quickly as she races against a clock that no one can see but her. Her mind is constant like the second hand of the dining room clock. Click. Click. Click.
I see my mother in the kitchen. It is Saturday, the only day off she has this month, except for Sundays. She is on her hands and knees mopping the floor. Her hair is tied up in a scarf, moisture beading up on her brow as she lifts her arm to wipe the sweat away. She sighs. I feel something that I don’t want to feel. I am 7 or 9 or 15, but now a feeling like anger appears in my head, one that I always try to push further and further away. Many times, I don’t even recognize what it is, but it’s here like the sun in the noontime sky, but harsher. I leave the room, calling on Chi-Chi to go outside with me.
I hear my brothers. My mind sees Bill reading quietly in his room. David is hanging out with his friends. They begin to pick on Bill because he chooses to read Mad Comics in his room. Or watch Star Trek on the black and white TV. He likes being alone. He needs to be alone. His room is shared with his older brother. Their room juts up against my tiny room. No privacy for two growing boys. No room at the inn. I imagine these things. I was much younger, but I still feel their reality, their pain, even though they have buried it far, far away in the ground. And I have not.
My room had a really cool closet. It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. After I ran away from home, I would dream about that closet. It was mine. It was different. Like me. I had everything I needed and it all fit perfectly in my closet. I swear there must have been a secret door that held my dreams. I must have entered through that door many times. I found comfort, I found peace, and I understood why I did what I did. In my dreams, everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be, even though it wasn’t. My closet was full. My house was full of rooms. Sometimes I would not know where I was. Sometimes, my father walked with me into rooms that I didn’t recognize. Sometimes he wouldn’t come into the rooms with me. He would stand outside the door, or he would send me in and then disappear. Most of the time, the dreams were in black and white. I don’t remember ever seeing him smiling or laughing, just not where he should be, or trying to take me somewhere where I did not want to go, or I just didn’t want to hear what he wanted to say. Many times, my dreams were of huge waves racing toward the shore, towards me. I would stand on the shore, petrified, knowing that I was going to die alone, helpless, fatherless.
My life is full. My life is good. My life has also been interesting. That’s what my mom always said: “I have had an interesting life.” I never asked her to define “interesting.” Many times, I wanted to ask more questions, but usually, I just let it go. I let it go because it made me sad. My mom was happy. My mother’s plate was full. I sure miss her. I hope some day I can be truly happy. I hope some day I can release my anger and watch it melt before my eyes. I will watch the anger vaporize – poof! Gone! Over! Done!
I don’t know why I can’t forget. I don’t think remembering is a bad thing. It’s just that it makes me sad. It makes me sad for my family, more so than for myself. I guess when you love someone you just want to take their pain away. I’m probably the only one still carrying the pain. Memories aren’t always happy, but I’m sure glad I was brought into the family I have – they sure made the journey more comfortable.
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12.25.11
Posted in Just Me at 8:28 PM by Ann Hornbeck
Today, my “father” died. Christmas Day, 2011. I have nothing to repent. I feel some despair. I have wishes that my past was merely a dream. A father! A friend! A protector! A life of normalcy! All of it, a dream. But truly, none of it reality. Betty, David, Bill and me, with help from our family and those who honored our struggles, helped us along our paths to become the people we were meant to be. My daughters and my grandchildren will no longer carry the burden. The burden now a blessing. “Let it all go. Let it all go.” (Mark Knopfler)
“Levon” by Elton John
Levon wears his war wound like a crown
He calls his child Jesus
‘Cause he likes the name
And he sends him to the finest school in town
Levon, Levon likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spends his days counting
In a garage by the motorway
He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day
When the New York Times said, “God is dead
And the war’s begun, Alvin’ Tostig has a son today”
And he shall be Levon
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be Levon
In tradition with the family plan
And he shall be Levon
And he shall be a good man
He shall be Levon
Levon sells cartoon balloons in town
His family business thrives
Jesus blows up balloons all day
Sits on the porch swing watching them fly
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12.18.11
Posted in Politics at 8:39 PM by Ann Hornbeck
Here I am again, one week away from Christmas, and I have yet to do any shopping, and, obviously no wrapping since there are no presents to wrap, and, I have yet to write my holiday cards and get them in the mail. Of course, any gift boxes mailed across the country will probably take two weeks or more to deliver since the USPS has already warned Americans that first class letters will take up to five days to deliver! Maybe they should consider going back to The Pony Express!
“It was the best of times, and it was the worst of times.” This year has been an interesting time in my life, one that provided a wonderful opportunity to land a job, even though it was far from anything that I had done working in software, and definitely a much lower salary, but, I sure like what I do! Now, if I can be the generous receiver of some funding from recent grants I or the E.D. submitted, then perhaps this coming year will be more sustainable. And, less depressing for this old gal who is much better off than a lot of others, and fortunate to have family and friends to provide mental and emotional help!
A December 15th report on NPR (“Census: 1 in 2 Americans is poor or Low-Income” by the Associated Press.”) stated that Americans, nearly 1 in 2, have fallen into poverty or are scraping by on earnings that classify them as low income. As the middle class shrinks, unemployment stays high, and the government’s safety net fray. The new numbers follow years of stagnating wages for the middle class that have hurt millions of workers and families.”
When you look at the combined numbers of lower income families and families living below the poverty line, it paints a frightening number to say the least. “About 97.3 million Americans fall into a low-income category, commonly defined as those earning between 100 and 199 percent of the poverty level. Together with the 49.1 million who fall below the poverty line and are counted as poor, they number 146.4 million, or 48 percent of the U.S. population. That’s up by 4 million from 2009, the earliest numbers for the newly developed poverty measure.”
Here’s another data point: “Among low-income families, about one-third were considered poor while the remainder — 6.9 million — earned income just above the poverty line. Many states phase out eligibility for food stamps, Medicaid, tax credit and other government aid programs for low-income Americans as they approach 200 percent of the poverty level.”
And, last but not least: “The majority of low-income families — 62 percent — spent more than one-third of their earnings on housing, surpassing a common guideline for what is considered affordable. By some census surveys, child-care costs consume close to another one-fifth. Paychecks for low-income families are shrinking. The inflation-adjusted average earnings for the bottom 20 percent of families have fallen from $16,788 in 1979 to just under $15,000, and earnings for the next 20 percent have remained flat at $37,000. In contrast, higher-income brackets had significant wage growth since 1979, with earnings for the top 5 percent of families climbing 64 percent to more than $313,000.”
Contrast that with this information: “In 2010, the annual salary of each Representative rose to $174,000, but by now, even more. Speaker of the House and the Majority and Minority Leaders earn more: $223,500 for the Speaker and $193,400 for their party leaders (the same as Senate leaders). A cost-of-living adjustment (COLA) increase takes effect annually unless Congress votes to not accept it. Congress sets members’ salaries; however, the Twenty-seventh Amendment to the United States Constitution prohibits a change in salary (but not COLA) from taking effect until after the next general election. Representatives (just like all federal employees) are eligible for retirement benefits after serving for five years.” Add to this their perks, speaking events, books, travels, fundraising events, galas and whatever else the 1% finds to fulfill their lives.
What I see is a room full of clowns, pontificating and acting like spoiled little brats. Yep, there are deals to sign! Must get that pipeline running from Alaska to the Gulf Coast! Another disaster will never occur!
I thought we were trying to find alternative and sustainable solutions to our dependence on oil. So much for that!
And so much for me….time to curl up with a book and read myself to sleep.
Peace!
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12.11.11
Posted in Politics at 11:47 AM by Ann Hornbeck
I finally finished my latest book, “Gilead” by Marilynne Robinson. I think this is one of the books Linda gave me a while back. The main character is a Methodist Minister who is the father of a young son. The minister, his young wife and child live in a small town that has seen much suffering from the Great Depression, the Dust Bowl of the 1930′s, and the loss and love of families past and present. The book is written by the minister, a diary from father to son, his hopes that his words will be read when his son is much older. It was an interesting book. I found myself ending the last page and transitioning back to the first page, ready to read it again. I love when that happens.
I am tuned into Acoustic Sunrise and lo and behold, a compilation by EM K that includes parts of “Classical Gas” by Mason Williams sends me back to those Appalachian Mountains yet again. It was 1968, and me and the girlfriends are at the lake somewhere in Weston, WV. We are laying in the sun listening to the radio and about every 30 minutes, there it comes again – how could anyone NOT want to hear that song again and again? I loved laying there on my towel, listening to the music, the lake shimmering, the sun’s rays warming my body, the water gently lapping at the dock, the ripples comforting as a light wind blows across the lake. How sweet our youth, and how sweet this life!
I read that my home state may create a new state park near my hometown, rightly named the ‘High Allegheny National Park.’
According to the article, “the park would encompass lands in the High Allegheny Plateau, the rugged western-central portion of the Appalachians, the northern area of the Monongahela National Forest, as well as Blackwater Falls and Canaan Valley State parks.” This is the area where I hiked Dolly Sods in September. The park would include visitors who enjoy “birds to battlefields, waterfalls and wilderness.”
It is important to preserve these ancient hills, but, I fear the possibility of areas being overrun with cars that produce smog, visitors who don’t respect the trails, and animals who are clueless of “boundaries” that results in loss of life for the mother who just wanted to get to the food and feed her family of cubs. Have you ever visited Yosemite? I suppose West Virginia would not bring in the same amount of visitors to the park system, but we must preserve the beauty we have whether it is a lake, a river or a mountain – these are the ancient ones, and once they’re gone, we’re all gone.
My mom used to tell me “You worry too much!”
I consider myself the “Female Atlas,” carrying the world upon my back, assuring everlasting life for generations until the end of the world as we know it.
I hope that never happens. In the meantime, let me carry the load – I’m pretty good at it!
Peace out!
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12.10.11
Posted in Politics at 7:25 AM by Ann Hornbeck
If a poll were taken on the truth and consequences of our current policies, everyone would be appalled at the depth and breadth of our system. Peer through the looking glass and you will see politicians signing deals behind closed doors, pockets stuffed with gold, foreign investments funding the war machine, citizens untrusting of their government, our enemies our friends, our friends our enemies, and what ever president du jour is standing behind the podium a mere puppet.
So, what is our role as a person living on earth? What is the role of government and why must we adhere to their demands? The answers to these questions were the essence of the Renaissance period. Look up the “Great Chain of Being” on the internet, or bring out your philosophy books from college, and you will be presented with a tome of information in response to those questions. I liked this link: (academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/english/melani/ren.html).
The Great Chain of Being states “everyone and everything existing in the universe has its place in a divinely planned hierarchical order. An object’s “place” depended on the relative proportion of “spirit” and “matter” it contained–the less “spirit” and the more “matter,” the lower down it stood. At the bottom of the chain were inanimate objects and the four elements, earth, water, air and fire. Higher up were various members of the vegetative class, like trees and flowers. Then came animals; then humans; and then angels. At the very top was God.”
Next were the political implications of the Great Chain of Being.”The fear of “disorder” had significant political ramifications during the reformation period. Authoritarian control included keeping people in their place, and assuring they understood their lot in life. Otherwise, they would “suffer the consequences in other realms.” Any attempts at civil rebellion were blows against the empire, or better stated, a sin against God. So, here is born the struggle. Kings ruled the world, as did the wealthy, and thus, the wealthy have divine right over the land and its people.
But enter in the Humanists who placed “great emphasis upon the dignity of man and the possibilities of human life in this world. However, this was not the only concern of Renaissance Humanists who focused also on teaching people how to participate in and rule a society, even though it was only the nobility and “some” members of the middle class who were included in this experience. This period of time also brought a revival of thought and culture, their focus on the social nature of humanity via their studies of literature, history and moral philosophy.”
‘The Great Chain of Being also meant that people from all ranks in society had to co-operate and that mere subjugation of those below you was not acceptable. Those in a position of power and responsibility held that power for the good of everyone – not just to advance the well being of those of a similar standing.” If you didn’t comply – you know the history – the War of the Roses, and off with your head!
According to a recent NPR piece (“Reconstituting the Constitution: How to Rewrite it?” by Margot Adler) ”Christopher Phillips recently traveled coast-to-coast to ask and discuss philosophical topics with Americans. He led these discussions in schools, parks, homeless shelters and even prisons. He asked Socratic questions such as “What is knowledge?” ”What is beauty?” and “What is love?”
Eventually, he turned to one of his heroes — Thomas Jefferson — who believed, “that Americans should revisit the Constitution every 20 years and rewrite it from scratch.” His argument is that if Americans weren’t vital stakeholders in that foundational document, they would become distanced from governance itself, and politicians from the president on down would become ‘like wolves.’ ”Is it time to re-write the constitution? Do our basic principles pass the test of time, or do they hold their ground?” Many people believe if you live in this country and you help promote the general welfare, as the preamble states, then you are a citizen, regardless of how you got here.
There is much to think about, and I am the first to say I definitely don’t have the answers. But, I do know that we have a “place” that enables great change. It is the power of our votes. It is the power of our words. It is the power of our innate knowledge. It is the power of one and the power of many. It is the power of all of us together.
Peace out!
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12.03.11
Posted in Politics at 7:33 PM by Ann Hornbeck
I’m sure many of you read that our fearless leaders in Congress “quietly lifted a 5-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections, and activists say slaughterhouses could be up and running in as little as a month. The President signed off on the slaughter of horses as part of the Congressional spending bill in November. However, there will be no oversight from the government until they can find over 3 million dollars to help the government agencies regulate horse killing.” This also means that horse meat will soon be in grocery stores sitting right smack dab next to your favorite prime rib, pork chops and hamburger meat. So,why now? Most likely, because it’s what’s for dinner! Buzzle.com reports, “In South America, China, Japan and many European countries including France, Italy and Switzerland, horsemeat is just as common on the dinner table as other meats. The eight most populous countries in the world consume almost 5 million horses each year.”
Here in the states, we have food additives, food coloring, food irradiation, fast food, wet food, dry food, organic food, natural foods, comfort foods, food pyramids, diet foods, baby food, bio-engineered food, and no food for 1 in 5 people living in our country. We are the lucky recipients of malnutrition, obesity, high blood sugar, low blood sugar, diabetes, heart problems, strokes, weight problems and hospitals that we can never pay back due to the medical process that finds every ailment possible except for the cut finger that brought you to the hospital initially.
According to Wikipedia, (“Horse slaughter”) about 90% of the horsemeat is exported for human consumption overseas, where it sells for approximately the same price as veal. The rest goes to zoos. Horsemeat was outlawed in pet food in the 1970s. Most of us oppose slaughtering horses and consider them “companion animals” and “deserving” of humane consideration. And, most horses that are abused and neglected are the ones who end up in the slaughterhouses.
“The meat of some horses killed in Mexico are mixed with beef and sold back to unsuspecting United States consumers. Horses, unlike traditional food animals in the United States, are not raised or medicated during their lifetime with the intent of one day becoming human food. Because American horses are not “intended” for the human food chain, throughout their lives they will often have received medications that are banned by the FDA for use at any time during the life of food animals. ”
In my opinion, the only way to override the possibility of getting sick from eating meat is to (a) know your sources, (b) reduce your weekly consumption (c) consider small portions, and (d) eat more vegetables! I agree that problems occur all the time with vegetables and fruits, as well as meat, but if you trust and know your sources – like your own backyard or a trusted food supplier – you are less likely to become sick. Bio-engineered foods are a whole other story. I’m not going there!
We know that Americans are obese. But, all across the globe obesity rates continue to rise, some suggesting three-fold or more, since 1980, in North America, the U.K. Eastern Europe, the Middle East, the Pacific Islands, Australia and even China!
The world is gluttonous! We are icky with oil. And we have lost our spiritual connection with our work animals, our gardens, our bees, our plants, our food sources and ourselves. And yet, the changes are so very simple – and healthy. Back to the garden – can we get it right this time?
As far as I know, at this moment, I do believe we still have some voting power. Write your congress person(s) – say no and demand a recall of this bill. We have a lot to lose.
Peace out!
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